Another wave of depression

                                                First Sunday in Purnea old house!

When everything goes unplanned, it leads a lot of stress. Mostly things are majorly unplanned in our day to day life. We get random phone calls, no idea what food we're to be served, don't know about the people we're going to meet, having no idea about the things to be unfolded and so on. However, in these cases despite meeting these situations, we have many things planned also such as completing pending home assignments like washing cloths, visiting someone, cooking something special or taking kids out for a refreshment. A day goes completely unplanned and a day goes partially unplanned makes huge difference.

This Sunday was unique because this was my first Sunday in Purnea after quitting Mumbai. In Mumbai, Sunday is usually planned like cleaning home, sleeping as long as possible, watching movies, making phone calls etc. In Purnea, nothing is familiar or earned. Everything belongs to my in-laws or my wife. The feeling is so hard to say! All moments are extremely painful. Thinking about PapaJi all the times, recalling failures, blurry future, Bhagya's deteriorating glow and hustle-bustle things have made things extremely unbearable in many sense.

Losing confidence on self is the worst thing happens with a man. I doubt I would ever be able to gain my self-confidence. 

I remember Bodke Sir's eye filled with tears that day when he was sharing his story of his days when he was dependent on his wife's salary.

I remember what Binayak said during dinner that day. One Pundit told him that his marriage would be a failed one. He later got divorced.

I remember how me and Bhagya could never develop understanding on many things. I feel things will go to negative mode more and more in the days to come.

My entire life, reputation, dignity, self esteem and everything are at stake. I used to trust God but slowly slowly I have started realising that I am not in her list. I am nowhere connected with the superpower. I am totally left alone and I have to go through all odds solo.