Introspection!
How many things are there to think, rethink and overthink!
Failure may be an event, incident, accident, tragedy and lifelong trauma. Failed to get a confirmed seat in a train is merely an event that doesn't go long and disappear from mind over a short span of time. Failure to convince family members about a misunderstanding may be an incident which could affect a relationship for a comparative longer period, failure to achieve good marks in graduation and any academic courses may be proven as a tragedy for even more longer time but failure in getting a good relationship with partner or not having a secure life under government's security cover is surely a lifelong tragedy that jolts different part of brains time to time. It kills. It brutally and mercilessly kills.
The question is why this thought has been killing me over the last few years!
The society. A lot of incidents are buried but alive in my heart and mind which have restricted me from living a sound live. Being slapped by a criminal for no valid reason, getting blamed and humiliated by a large section of society when I was grown, unexpected humiliation in WhatsApp group chat, created for other purpose, uncountable comments by relatives, friends, company and other people, being mocked by office colleagues and many more. A government job could have given me an opportunity to respond to all of them in one go. But, I missed.
I missed, I missed, I missed.
What's more traumatic is to be compelled to recall my failure time to time through different situations. Working in Doordarshan will never let me forget my failure in IIS, similarly shifting to Bihar will never allow me to forget my failure in BPSC-DPRO and similarly reading newspapers and social media will not deter me to rethink and overthink about my failure in different competitive examinations whether it would be JNU PRO or other exams.
So, what to do!
According to Garud Puran, if you commit suicide you won't be taken away from this world but you have to live here till the time you're given however remaining life you will have to live as an evil soul. There are other rigorous punishment to commit suicides. So, the best way to say good bye to all the traumas could have been suicide but who knows if I get more tough moments after death so live in a prison with multiple random tortures is better than living a life with no life. At least I am there for my kids, wife and parents.
Having a Law degree is of no use! Law could have been a safe escape for me to forget everything and to be engaged in something so deeply that I couldn't find anytime to think about anything. But, the entire process to get a sanad and license to practice as an advocate in Bihar is too dark to walk. There are people who could support me to find a way of bright future in Law but I have all reasons to doubt their intention keeping note of their previous records.
So what's the way out!
Wait and watch. Things are too unstable and fragile at this moment. It seems, some evil power consistently playing with me leaving two options left for me. First, to bow down before the evil power and pray for mercy and the second is to stay firm and move to take shelter under my beliefs.
Is it the first time, such crisis have emerged?
No. 2012,2015 and 2016 were the years of crisis. In fact my entire childhood has been subjected to harassment and torture. But, when it comes to emotional trauma in young age, 2012 was the first time, I felt completely humiliated and left out however I regained my confidence in 2014 when I was selected as a Business Correspondent with The Doordarshan in Mumbai. In 2015, I faced another round of emotional trauma when I had to compromise a lot of things in terms of accommodation, law exam and an extremely completed situation linked to my life. Subsequently in 2016, I was brutally hurt and had to gone through more complicated situation. These are the times when I had lost all hopes and trust almost, but to my great surprise unbelievable things started happening with me. I got married with an engineer, who was a rare girl to find. My all regrets of 2012, 2015 and 2016 just washed away the same year and I moved on completely. I didn't face any hurdle to handle my family affairs and soon I was blessed with two kids. I am still wondering how this happened!
So, any hope remains!
In the deep of my heart, I strongly believe and I have reasons to believe that something will happen that will just wipe out all my regrets. But, by the time it happens, I am dying millions death daily at each moments.
Lastly, a myth of having government job!
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| Office TA form, where my signature is needed |
Har Har Mahadev!
Jai Shri Ram!
Jai Bajrangbali.
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